Calvinball: A Guide for Sane People

Originally posted 4/26/15

Portrait of a normal game of Calvinball

Calvinball is a game in which there is a ball. From there things get interesting. For starters, in the infamous game of 2001, the Gophers beat Team Grasshopper by using the penalty stick of doom on the thirtieth ball hole, thereby wining the game and receiving the hockey puck of shame. Conversely, in the game of 1987, the luddites used the same maneuver on the the church of scientology, only to be disqualified for the exact same reason. And then there was that infamous game where there was no ball, so the team had to play with a kettle and some string.

What I'm trying to get at is that Calvinball is a unique game wherein there is no structured set of rules to play it with. Much like Mao, you just make them up as you go along. The experience is... interesting to say the least. For example, unlike in Mao wherein the lack of explanation of the rules can be used for bullying purposes (i.e. to exclude those who don't know what's going on in the simplest of terms), Calvinball seems to be more within a postmodernist view rejecting a singular truth (and newtons sleep, if Blake's your fancy) in favor of multiple contradictory truths that are all fun to play with (which is really why #gamergate is so evil: they have a singular vision of what their culture and the products and influences of it are and (much like any culture dominated by straight white men) will fight any attempt at disproving any contradictory notions like "Women, LGBTQIA, and people of other skin tones have always been playing video games" (even when facts back these contradictory notions) through cruel and violent means. And, much like Thatcher and Whitehouse before them, they're no fun).

Frankly, the only sensible response.

As such, there really isn't any way to cheat the game, so much as alter the shape of the game. But how does one do that? Simple: you just tell the other player that there's a new rule which allows you to win easier and pray they don't come up with a rule that makes your attempts harder (really, the only constant rule in the game is that you can't just say "Behold! I have the Stick of Truth! Therefore, I! AM! VICTORIOUS! MUHAHAHAHAHAHA!" Because, that's just a dull way of playing the game and goes against everything Calvinball and Postmodernism stand for and you should be ashamed of yourself Steve. What? You thought we forgot about you Steve Carlsberg? We'll never forget. NEVER!). In short, after playing the game for a long period of time, I have come to realize that, inna final analysis, the most important part of any game is that you get something out of it. Whether it's the melancholy of The Walking Dead, the philosophical nirvana brought about by The Stanley Parable, the catharsis of Depression Quest, or even the joy of Super Mario World, we all get need something out of the stories we experience.

Also do not make the tiger angry, he will eat you.

(Thank you for joining us for this semester long look at video games and the culture that surrounds them. One of my regrets is that I never talked about any of the blatantly video game inspired shows released over the years. Ah well, c'est la vie. Regardless, I hope you've had as much fun as I've had and wish you all Many Happy Returns.)

(This post was brought to you by The Super Nintendo Project, an analytical look at a selection of video games released on the Super Nintendo. The creator of the series claims it to be a magical ritual to banish #GamerGate out of existence, so you know, business as usual in our mad little world. The first post, on Super Mario World, can be found here.)