What Even is Kingdom Hearts?

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Sir Not-appearing-in-this-game

Kingdom Hearts is a clusterfuck. It’s a video game series wherein the Final Fantasy multiverse infects a multiverse defined by the properties the Disney Corporation has consumed over its time. This ranges from Cloud fighting in the Coliseum against Hercules to Scrooge McDuck riding a Choco- Wait, that doesn’t happen? Scrooge McDuck never rides a Chocobo? Chocobos don’t even pop up in Kingdom Hearts? Then what’s the point of the series if we can’t have the flagrantly best idea for frankly no good reason? I mean, imagine Maleficent about to achieve her goal of being the main villain of the game (before some OC from the convoluted Lore steals the spotlight from her because he’s voiced by Alan Moore or something), Sora and Goofy outnumbered by Heartless (Donald fled because Daisy was in trouble), only to be confronted by Donald Duck inexplicably leading an army of Chocobos. Or how about a minigame where you race against Gladstone Gander while riding Chocobos for the world cup, and you have to deal with his supernaturally good luck. Or how about Chewbacca cooking a Chocobo, only to not eat it because they look so god damn cute. Goddamn it, we could be getting Spider-Man riding a Chocobo, but no. KRONK THE CHOCOBO SCOUT!!! They just don’t exist in a material sense in this game series. This awful game series with a plot that makes no sense whatsoever, that thinks that dodging is an optional mechanic, and thinks we care about Xenmas more than we do our childhood villains. Kingdom Hearts is pointless until they have Chocobos.

But since I can’t just leave it at that (I mean, I could, but I don’t want to), I suppose I should talk about the moment of the series that best explains Kingdom Hearts. (Aside: Kingdom Hearts is like reading that Final Crisis omnibus that for some reason thought it would be a good idea to include all of the tie ins, even the ones that are flagrantly not part of Final Crisis.) It’s set on the world of Rainbow Connection, wherein the Muppets frolic to their hearts content. Sora, our player character, and his friends Donald Duck and Goofy find themselves in a swamp confronted by a hooded figure (revealed three worlds and an encounter with Spider-Man and Galactus’ Heartless in the Gummi Ship to be Constantine from The Muppets Again masquerading as Kermit for frankly inadequately explained reasons) who tries to tempt the heroes into aligning themselves with the Darkness.

Initially, it seems like this will be the first boss fight for the section of the game, but instead it’s just a “kill all the heartless” style fight and the hooded figure leaves. But before he does, he cryptically makes mention of something Goofy has been saying throughout the whole game. Suddenly, a dark aura surrounds Goofy. Sora begins to understand: Goofy has been consumed by the Darkness. The paper thin disguise “Goofy” has been wearing throughout this whole game is torn off, revealing Foygoox! Foygoox has been manipulating the leads throughout the whole game (which is a nice way of saying Sora, Donald, and even Mickey spend most of the game holding the idiot ball) and indeed the whole series (which is bullshit for several obvious reasons) so that he can get the Keyblade and free his dark and mysterious master (revealed in the final level to be some OC villain only brought up in a offhand mention in a hidden diary entry voiced by Ian McKellen doing a rubbish Peter Cushing impersonation).

Immediately, Sora doesn’t buy this. Goofy has always been their friend for… for a long time, and he wouldn’t do these things that he’s doing of his own volition. They’ve been through so much together, surely Goofy isn’t the main villain of this series. In retaliation (a nice way of saying “In order to save face over the fact that his obvious bullshit has been found out”), Foygoox does something so insane, so game breaking, so impossible, it’s a wonder the developers actually let it happen: Foygoox removes the subtitles so no one can understand Donald.

All of reality collapses in that moment. Sora and Donald are unable to move, tossed aside like ragdolls. The sound collapses just as Foygoox was explaining what his motives are. (Fans of the series have gone into the source code of the game to find out what exactly he’s saying. Since I’m not a fan of the series and am too pissed off over the fact that there aren’t any levels where you can ride a Chocobo while having a sword fight with Long John Silver as played by both Brian Murray and Tim Curry, you’re not getting it from me.) All that remains is the buzz in the ears typically heard shortly after waking up from nearly having a black out.

But then, something else becomes clear in the buzz. It’s faint at first, but it’s not a hard noise. It sounds almost like music, primarily because it is. You think you recognize the tune of the song, but you can’t put your finger on what it is. You can, however, instantly tell that it’s Donald who’s singing the song. Frozen in place, Donald has just enough strength to sing. And, as Foygoox comes down from the heavens in his winged angel mode, you recognize the song. It’s a stripped down version of Simple and Clean, the theme to this whole game series.

There’s a boss fight shortly after this where Gonzo the Great helps you defeat Foygoox (for now), but the important part is that song being sung at that moment. It’s the key to understanding this confounding series of events calling itself a story. Strip away all the lore, all the Disney and Final Fantasy characters, the hollowness one feels when we realize that there are no Chocobos in this game, and what’s left is a story about the ties that bond one another. It’s about how love and friendship can redeem even the worst of us. Of how only the heartless and cruel nobodies would think to abuse those around them. 

And, in that one sublime moment, it’s about hope in the face of all facts. In that moment, there is no way for Donald or Sora to escape. They can’t move and their best friend just betrayed them for the Heartless. And yet, Donald finds it within himself to sing a song about how, no matter what horrors they might face, what evils lurk within the heart of man (or even the lack thereof), he will always be there for Sora and even Goofy, once they stop whatever’s causing him to be evil. In the complexity of this world of talking animals and goopy gremlins, all we have to hold onto is each other. We don’t need to do the impossible like walking on water or anything like that. We just need to be there when all hope is lost, when those who rule are heartless and things seem to be turning out for the worst. And together, we’ll shine.